Feb 2008
Are you having sex? Join the crowd
As you picked up this newspaper maybe you had plans for a romantic Valentine's Day dinner. Or maybe it's past Valentine's Day and you've already had that dinner, and a little later in the evening . . . some sex, perhaps?
Yes, as ridiculous or impossible as much of our society regards the notion, people in their 50s, 60s, 70s and older are having sex. Even parents have sex.
A survey published last year in the New England Journal of Medicine found that 73 percent of U.S. respondents ages 57 to 64 were sexually active, as were 53 percent of those 65 to 74. The rates dropped off significantly from that point to 26 percent for 75- to 85-year-olds.
A study a few years ago by AARP for its Modern Maturity magazine came to similar conclusions:
“Sexuality is more important to mid-life than to older adults, and more frequent sexual activity is reported by mid-life than by older adults,” the report's authors acknowledged. “However, the large majority of all (older) age groups consider sex to be enjoyable and that it is not only for younger people.”
Sexual capacity extends beyond 80 in males and there is no age limit on the sexual capacity of females. So why are some elders having sex and others aren't?
As is the case with sex at all other stages past puberty, there is a variety of reasons.
The most obvious is lack of a partner.
This has long been the stumbling block for older divorced or widowed women, and it's probably why the prevalence of sexual activity drops off so much past age 75, when there are more women alive than men. According to the census of 2000, among people 65 or older, 73 percent of men were married, compared with less than 40 percent of women. The AARP study found that more than three-fourths of both men and women in mid-life had sexual partners, but only 21 percent of women 75 or older did. That compared to more than 58 percent of men the same age. Apparently many of those older men are seeing younger women. Or there simply are more women then men, or the men are seeing other men, in the case of gay men.
Personal history often plays a role in whether one remains sexually active in later life. If you were sexually active early in life, it's likely that, barring physical impairment, you'll continue to be so. Likewise, a puritanical upbringing, growing up in a family where even saying the proper names of certain body parts was avoided, could contribute to a belief that sex is for procreation only and inappropriate past childbearing years.
You don't have to come from an especially conservative background, however, to fall victim to our society's prevailing ageist view that older adults aren't supposed to have that kind of fun anymore. Stick to your knitting.
But do so at your peril.
Like almost every other kind of ability, it's “use it or lose it” when it comes to sexual capacity. Men who are sexually inactive for many years can become impotent.
Chronic health conditions like heart disease and arthritis make it more difficult, but rarely impossible, to continue having sex. Sexual intercourse typically requires about the same amount of exertion as walking up two flights of stairs. So if you have trouble climbing stairs it's a good idea to ask your physician if you're fit for sex. (On the other hand, maybe that is the way you want to go!)
Unfortunately, it appears that many elders are reluctant to talk sex with their physicians. The study reported in the New England Journal of Medicine found that about half of both men and women who are sexually active report at least one bothersome sexual problem, such as low desire, difficulty with vaginal lubrication or inability to climax. But only 38 percent of men and 22 percent of women said they had discussed sex with a physician since turning 50.
If you're like the majority of older adults who can and want to have sex, there are ways to prolong your ability or rekindle desire.
First, remember that while unwanted pregnancies may be less of a danger for elders, sexually transmitted diseases recognize no age differences. The Elders Count Nevada report on key health indicators for Nevada elders, published last year by the Sanford Center for Aging, notes that in 28 Nevada elders ages 61-75 died of HIV infection in 2004.
Eating a balanced diet and keeping physical is good advice for preparing for physical exertion of any sort at any age, and that includes sex. But sexual satisfaction is at least as much emotional as physical.
Sharon O'Brien, licensed psychotherapist and freelance writer, offers Six Steps to Better Sex, most of which focus on the mental side of intimacy. She writes that if you find it takes longer to become sexually aroused, consider starting the “lovemaking” with a romantic dinner - or breakfast. Men often have the most energy in the morning, when testosterone levels are highest.
Communication is often overlooked in achieving sexual satisfaction, she writes. Share thoughts, feelings, fears, desires with your partner. Say what you love about one another. If you'd like to try something new, discuss it and be open to new ideas. Some couples find it arousing to share romantic or erotic literature and poetry. “Sometimes just talking about sex can make you feel sexy.”
(Lawrence J. Weiss, Ph.D. is director of the University of Nevada, Reno Sanford Center for Aging and an adjunct associate professor of medicine. He welcomes your comments on this column. Write to him at weisslj@unr.edu or c/o Sanford Center for Aging, Mail Stop 146, Reno, NV 89557-0146.)