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March 2008
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Adding Life to Years
The life you save by forgiving could be your own
Nelson Mandela is quoted as having said, “Not to forgive is like drinking a glass of poison and waiting for your enemies to die.”
By this point in our lives, we have all been wronged multiple, perhaps thousands of times, and most of us have come to see the wisdom in letting go of the impulse to retaliate. But it can be hard to let go of resentment altogether.
Although today most people associate the familiar saying “Living well is the best revenge” with becoming rich, the advice is actually attributed to an English clergyman and metaphysical poet, George Herbert (1593- 1633).
Forgiveness has long been a major theological and religious concept, but only recently has it emerged as a science. Recent studies suggest that blame, anger and hostility are associated with coronary heart disease and premature death while forgiveness is associated with reductions in heart disease, anxiety and stress. At our Silver Series free talk on healthy aging in March, David O. Antonuccio, professor of psychiatry at the University of Nevada, Reno, will discuss scientific research into forgiveness and also talk about the often difficult process of forgiving. His talk will be Wednesday, March 5, from noon to 1 p.m. at the Great Room of the new Joe Crowley Student Union at UNR.
In his writings, Dr. Antonuccio recounts some of the extraordinary examples of forgiveness in recent history. In Mandela's South Africa, truth and reconciliation hearings sought to bring closure to that country's violent past following the fall of apartheid. After barely surviving being shot three times, Pope John Paul II visited the cell of his would-be assassin and offered the gunman his forgiveness. In 2006 a man killed five Amish girls and injured five others in Pennsylvania before killing himself. The Amish community responded by offering forgiveness along with gifts and support to the gunman's widow and children.
Those cases may suggest that forgiveness requires an intense commitment to religious values, but there are other means. A psychological construct called guided imagery is at the heart of much forgiveness therapy. It involves identifying, first, a personal hurt that remains unforgiven and then the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with the hurt.
n a recent study cited in Dr. Antonuccio's writings, 20 emotionally abused and separated women were randomly assigned to forgiveness treatment or alternative treatment (anger validation, assertiveness, and interpersonal skill building). The women participated in weekly hourlong individual sessions that lasted an average of eight months. Those who received forgiveness therapy did better on depression, trait anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms, self-esteem, forgiveness, environmental mastery, and finding meaning in suffering. The gains continued to be seen eight months after therapy. Many of us have a hard time forgiving because we feel that justice has not been done unless we see contrition from the person we feel has wronged us. But Dr. Antonuccio, who has been recognized for his work on depression, insists that forgiving does not require pardoning, condoning or overlooking an offense. Forgiving still allows for holding the offender responsible.
Forgiveness is not forgetting, either, because, as one Mennonite writer has put it, “If we could forget, then forgiveness would not be necessary.” Forgiveness is empowering, Dr. Antonuccio says, because it is easier to control one's own feelings than control the behavior of someone else.
How does forgiveness happen? One team of researchers has broken down the process into four phases. They start with feeling anger and end with empathy and compassion, which comes from the realization that all of us have needed forgiveness from others in the past.
Although forgiveness has been shown to provide psychological as well as physiological benefits, research suggests that some kinds of forgiveness are more beneficial than others. Motivation matters. One study found that people who forgave because they felt forced to by their religion had higher blood pressure than those who did so because of unconditional love. Similarly, older adults who required transgressors to perform acts of contrition were found to experience more psychological distress than those who forgave unconditionally.
Want more health benefits? Don't stop at forgiving. Others studies show that older people who are helpful to others reduce their risk of dying over a five-year period by 60 percent compared to peers who provide neither practical help nor emotional support to relatives, neighbors or friends. They also enjoy better mental health.
(Lawrence J. Weiss, Ph.D. is director of the University of Nevada, Reno Sanford Center for Aging and an adjunct associate professor of medicine. He welcomes your comments on this column. Write to him at weisslj@unr.edu or c/o Sanford Center for Aging, Mail Stop 146, Reno, NV 89557-0146.)