Circle of Life

by Deb Girard

The Blizzard of Grief

There was a time when farmers on the Great Plains, at the first sign of a blizzard, would run a rope from the back door out to the barn. They all knew stories of people who had wandered off and been frozen to death, having lost sight of home in a whiteout while still in their backyards. As I read this I thought how like a blizzard grief can be. At times you may be able to see it coming from a distance and steel yourself for its arrival. It can also come upon you suddenly like a tornado that strikes in the dead of night before you have had a chance to “secure your rope” to something that will prevent you from getting lost in your own backyard. Even with our rope we can get lost in the blizzard with our soul’s order in tatters.

Recently I have reflected on my own ability to deal with grief and loss in my own life. Will all of my years of working with the dying and their families help me stay centered in the midst of the storm and be my compass through loss? The answer for me would have to be yes. Loss, whenever and however it comes, humbles us like nothing else can. In it, we recognize our fragile nature and our utter helplessness. On the other hand I have also seen that just when we thought we would never smile again, the sun comes back.

What strands of rope does one search for on the path of grief? First, would be the understanding that the one thing we want the most is out of our grasp as death is irreversible and part of the circle of life. Having accepted this reality we must learn how to establish a new relationship without our loved one. A relationship that exists in our hearts and our minds. This relationship of reunion occurs through a shared history of experiences; birthdays, holidays, family vacations or simple silent moments spent together watching the setting of the sun. These moments are etched with perfection in our hearts and minds.

One of the roles of the members of the hospice team is to gather this history and encourage sharing the memories that will serve as the first strands of the rope you will be braiding that will secure you and prevent you from remaining in the storm itself. Bereavement support aftercare is another strand that will allow you to continue sharing memories and emotions that arise as you heal through loss. In addition to individual calls and meetings, a bereavement support group is another strand of the rope.